settling in

I found out a few days ago that I've also been given the green light to be put on the list for substitute teaching at the local high school. (wait, did I know this before? ah well, anyway it's still true) What this means for me is that-- if I take the job, which I haven't done yet-- I have a chance to do a job, even two days a week, that actually matters to me. The closest I've ever come to this has been volunteering on organic farms (not exactly my area of expertise, but I do love it and I give it my all). Working in an area that actually uses my trained skills is a wholly new concept for me. Though it sounds like a great opportunity (and it is), this is going to mean facing a whole set of fears I've been avoiding for many years. First of all, it means being responsible for a roomful of children/ young teens, and sometimes having to tell them to sit down and stop hitting each other. This is utterly terrifying (the discipline part). In the broader sense though, it also means putting real preparation work into my job, and committing my time and energy, my full attention to doing my best. (Sounds 100% like being a student to me, or a vegetable harvester.) Don't get me wrong; I've always worked very hard in all of my jobs, retail, cleaning, and volunteering. But this is very different. When people ask me about it, for instance, I won't be able to shrug and say, "I don't really know. It's just something I'm doing for now." Same with where I'm living, who I'm living with, etc. Commitment? not in my vocab.

And this is basically what's going on with me right now: that same feeling of having to take a deep breath and plunge in, face up to all the things I've been avoiding, is pretty much universal. Sooner or later, I'll have to move out of this B&B and find a place of my own (though not until I've got a few paychecks :). I'll have to start staying after Sunday services for the coffee hour and actually starting up a few conversations (not out of obligation, but for my own health and happiness). I'll have to do the same at the skating rink pretty soon. And a new situation also arose this afternoon.

On the surface it was actually quite funny. A pretty girl in her twenties walked up to my table in a cafe and asked my name; I told her. Then- shock of shocks- she asked if I was single, and I somewhat shamelessly said, "Why, yes I am." But then came the zinger. She told me (this girl is so sweet, it's such a shame) she knows a guy who really likes me (hm, feels a bit like middle school, cringe). I could only hope she didn't see my face fall. Unfortunately, the guy she was talking about is someone I've met a few times in that cafe- apparently he bought me a coffee once, which was really kind- and he does seem nice, but he's much older than me and not at all my type; very much male and out of my age range. SO, once again, I've got to actually face up (soon) and say something to him. I absolutely loathe these situations; I have a long history of not dealing with them, of either completely botching the rejection and really hurting the person's feelings, or much worse, not being able to do it at all, and ending up going out with someone I'm not at all attracted to and ending it later when everybody's feelings are much more hurt. These things are scary for me in a way I guess they're not for everyone, but I'm just going to have to deal with it, now or never as far as I'm concerned. A Zen writer I love says that if you're not ready to change it means you haven't suffered enough yet. I'm thinking maybe this is it for me, I've suffered enough that going through this one more time is no longer an option. And the same goes for being homeless, rootless, friendless, or unemployed. I arrived here with one full-time task in mind- getting a job- and after two months of focused hard work I've done what I couldn't manage in a year and a half.

I think- I hope- that Now is the Time. Time will tell, I guess.